the stars shine on

exams are over and i've finished my first yr in business school. but yet, its bittersweet. i hardly feel a major relief from the end of exams. in fact, it feels to me lyk its just another day, except just without work and dun need to go to school.

good times never last.
and when its over, all that remains are the tears.

i was reading this book that i took from the temple during cny on the train ytd. and while reading the book, there was this flurry of thoughts and emotions that run through my head, including the desire to blog and reflect about it. but yet, as i sit in front of my laptop and logged into here, the only description of my state of mind now is "BLANK". perhaps not exactly blank, but only one thing that runs through my mind. which has been going through my mind since my papers ended. playing continuously and non-stop through my mind.

can't think of anything else. and can't find any mood for anything.
just feel lyk nua-ing at home and curl up on my bed.

Believe, when you are most unhappy,
that there is something for you to do in the world.
So long as you can sweeten another's pain,
life is not in vain.

i feel lyk moving my blog again. but still hasn't decided.
feels lyk theres many things swirling in my head, but i just can't get it out.
and this entire week got no mood to do work.
i just feel lyk nua-ing at home and just lazing in bed.

i just realised that erms, my last post was lyk dec. HAHA. and its lyk MARCH alr.
and so many things going on at the same time. omg.
im lyk in a constant whirl.

super short update:
- watched fireworks on newyear's eve! pretttayyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

JANUARY:
- horrible school started. (FM IS LIKE KILLING ME while IT is boring me to death)
- celebrated gloria's bday and she blindly didn't realise i was carrying a cake though i was sitting beside her..
- CNY!!!! ANGBAOOOOOS!
- kefeng's bday was tgt with our tut grp reunion dinner at the playground beside the lib (:
- mahjong session at my hse + tiramisu making ((: ((:
- y steamboat ((:

FEBRUARY:
- valentines ((: ((:
- midterms equivalent
- projects and essays and presentations

and now march, its after recess wk. and finally done with that 20% written assg for biz law. and accting quiz, which erm i was damn careless(wads new), which cost me alot. fm quiz, erms probably flunked it and that would be super bad cos 25/39 people got 10/15 and above. and then there was HR 20% CA, which i totally can't rmb anything i read in those 4 chapters from the textbook. and sh made me feel very bad, cos he said "i thot you read thru then shld noe wad." lyk okayssss, i dun haf a super memory u noe and i didn't pay attn lyk i did to ob last sem. and there's IT quiz, which i duno how i passed cos i only read thru my lecture slides the night before.. and spent a grand total of 2hrs plus flipping thru that 6 seminars. sighhh. at this rate, how am i gonna pass my exams and pull up my gpa sia????

sometimes i feel very shi bai, and very stupid. lyk how come pple can dun study and still do well, but i study yet still lyk dat? and the feeling is lyk damn discouraging. and then i also dun understand why pple lyk to compare answers right after the tests, lyk HELLO, its over. whether its correct or not, its OVER. if its wrong you can't change it either. and why shld i lyk risk going into a damn immediate deep depression cos i found out my answers are all different from this top student in my cls? omg. spare me. i'd rather live in ignorance for a while more. and i dun lyk comparing scores. if you wanna noe, fine ask. but i dun think u shld just flip over my test paper without my permission. the last time my fren did that, i got 3/10 for my stupid stats quiz. HAHA. but that time i wasn't pissed, i was just paiseh. haha!!

and then fm essays are lyk killing me. i dun feel lyk i've learnt anything and somehow the essays are lyk never-ending. its lyk once every 3 wks or sth. lyk given 2 wks to complete, then 1 wk later the nx essay qns is out. lyk OMG. stop killing my brain cells. and while my fm tutor seems lyk a nice guy, patient and all, he's kinda boring. yes he brings in real-life examples from his experience, but its just boring. or maybe its just FM. i fell aslp doing dat online lecture too. omg. but i still think the online lecture was better. and anw, all i do in fm seminar is to stone and try not to fall aslp.

accting report. pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft. this member in my group is lyk increasingly getting on my nerves. and the things she says are lyk damn pissing off, to me and gossip king. HAHA. had a damn good gossip session last nite. besides sh feeling lyk he was being sent to walk the plank, i was pissed off with the way she expects everyone to accede to her requests. lyk wth, we can't meet on fri cos she got driving and she doesn't want to stay over in hall on thurs night. and we can't meet on monday cos she got driving and tuition and most importantly cos she doesn't want to stay over in hall on monday night. lyk wad the hell. if we can't complete the report, then freaking hell we gotta meet up. and i dun freaking care if u wanna stay over in hall or not. i dun see why we hafta meet at your disposal and at a venue that u deem convenient but is in actual, damn freaking far and inconvenient for everyone else. blardhy hell. you're not the queen lorzx. lyk wdv. and we can't meet at hall 15 cos it takes u lyk 30mins to get there (which is rubbish) but we can wait 1hr plus for your grp to finish meeting?! ARGH. im BREATHING.

AND ACCTING REPORT IS LYK ONLY HALFWAY DONE.
AND THERES STILL IT PROJECT UNDONE. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.
- will some ACCESS genius pls come and save MEEEEE-

and so i shall be strong. study harder! and dun care abt rubbish things pple say. and will not be affected by sucky attitudes from people. but jing has this weird mission now, to shoot back when the attitude surfaces. MUAHAHA. but ofcos must do in a skillful manner such that its not SOOOOOO obvious siaaaa. muahahhahaha.

feels better now.
HAHA.

i feel whitewashed. or rather i have been whitewashed. with calamine lotion. and now im feeling cold and smelling minty. from all that calamine. ARGHHHH. ycamp was shortened by 1 day thanks to stupid camelot. camelot suckssssssssss! claim they fumigate the place every 2 wks blarblarblar. and then there's still so many crazily many bedbugs. and its damn grossssssssssss! bleagh. and caused us to have emergency evacuation in the middle of the night. and only settled at lyk 3am. and it was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold that this bene woke up hyperventilating cos it was so super cold. even in the stairway it was cold. the wind just kept blowing and blowing. but in the end at 5plus am, shaun yiliang yiwei and me went upstairs sofa to slp. ko manz. then 1hr plus later woken up by gs cos bene starting to wake up alr. ohmanz! slpy sia. then ben emo, sit one corner etc etc. and close to dinner time i discovered my first 3 spots. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. and the rest is history. itchy itchy scratchy scratchy...

MEEPOK TEO WHERE ARE YOU!

EXAMS ARE OVER EXAMS ARE OVER EXAMS ARE OVERRRRRRR!!
and its time to partayyyeee!!
on budget ofcos.

guess the past 3 weeks since i updated have been erm both gruelling and boring simultaneously. yeaaa having 1 wk to lyk prepare for one paper is cool but at the same time, it means reading the same content for one wk's worth of time and that makes you kinda sick of it, despite the fact that it doesn't really sink into and stay in your brain for long after the exams end. yeps, im sure we all do our own personal spring cleaning in our brains right after exams to clear out brain space for the nx sem. i guess all 3 papers were okay and doable for me, but then thinking of it now, i haf no idea how i'll fare. but then again. its OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

yea now its time to headache abt many other things:

[nx sem timetable!!!!!]
urgh gotta think of whether to overload nx sem. and i think i shld, if i can get those easy easy electives. and i wanna clear my hss ones first. rarr, shall bank on my 2nd yr priority to chiong for my bio electives to clear sci ones. and yeps i found a kaki for one of the electives already. nx sem content heavy so i shall erm become mugger, learn from SHIQI. everyday go lib and mug. HAHAHA. then again i look at my timetable now, the free slots are lyk 2hrs to makan lunch kind. find electives kaki!!!!

and my nx sem exams are in APRIL.
which means i'll be spending my bday studyinnnnnnggggggg!!

[ycamp]
mass dance
momento
calling the volunteers

[ydance]
choreography
xmas songs
presents!

[xmas presents]
not gonna get many this yr. lala!


hahah i need to get/become smarter! hoho, need lyk some smartening lotion and slimming lotions. wheee!

went for MFM with MANLY toh shiqi at ps ytd and then walked ALL the way to cine. and watched a i-think-its-stupid-but-shiqi-totally-loves-it show. we went into the theatre and after 5mins, i turned around and asked her, whats this show about. and she tells me, i duno eh only see the trailer nice only. SO CHEATED la. doinks. bleagh. and then we met jeff on the escalator down. and then we shopped the WHOLE of orchard minus paragon. and erms. sadly nv buy anything except food )):

bahhhhhh. im getting worse headaches by the day. couldn't sleep last night though i went to bed qte early because my head was hurting. so ironic. when people get headaches, they go slp so it wouldn't hurt so much. and i get headache, went to bed but couldn't sleep. bahhhhhhh. and now its hurting again. bleagh! and my kneeS aren't helping either. LALA.

RARRRR.

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

totally. and now back to comm fund.

i am soooooo tired! feel so tired out so easily these days, yet i dun feel lyk i got much done. first paper is nx wednesday and i dun even feel in the least prepared for it. i think i ought to be slapped.

besides slacking more than i study, haven't been doing anything much. ydance on 1nov went well thanks to the dear volunteers who turned up (:

sometimes i feel so knotted up inside. that i wanna say and whine and pour out my frustrations, but i just can't. whether its cos i just can't say it, or whether its the expected response that i will get. if you'll just stop telling me i've done alot more, i might just confide in you more stuff. and perhaps i won't like, as you say, keep so many things and thoughts to myself. but my belief is, what's the point of me saying anything if what i get in return is just "but u're already so far ahead!" when all i wanted from you is comfort and motivation?

been talking to the bblc kids ((: love! darling boro poke poke been emailing me. dear zitta fb-ing and fs-ing me and talking to me on msn. and i just chatted with jing boy and boro over msn today. why can't we turn back time to those days? each time i come into contact with them, my heart aches. they are such sweeties. and somehow they are the ones who continually encourage me despite the fact that they duno the stuff that goes on here in my life. the way they express their care & concern, their love for and how much they miss me never fails to touch me regardless of the countless times they said it. and it never fails to make my stomach twist and my heart ache. if u get what im trying to say.








I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid


so put a smile to my face.

supposed to be doin my stats tutorial right now, but decided to take a short break. stupid regression, which used to be easy, is now i-duno-wad. well not that im expecting it to be easy, just that im blaming myself for not bringing my notes back with me ytd. guess i really shouldn't have gone for dinner with the cls after OB ytd. BAHH. sigh, ob report. depressing.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.
Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

ARGHHHHHH. exams are in lyk 3 weeks. and i seriously have no idea how i'm gonna handle them. say for ob, pressed for time yes. and i have no idea how to survive writing so much under time. or rather i noe i no longer have the practice or the stamina to think faster than i write and to write continuously for 2 and a half hours. gone are the days of econs 3 essays. ARHHHH somebody save me!

sometimes you gotta go through the pain
to experience the joy
this too shall pass

ohwells. for now, concentrate on ob, stats and marketing. comm fund can be done on tues. lala. and then there's ycamp trial, ydance and yproms in that order. so i guess i haf no choice but to be very very very disciplined. ARHHHHHHHH. and as much as i can, to not let anything else affect me. RARRR.

Listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why.


can't wait for the end of exams.

arhhh. how much more to the end point?
im running out of steam
out of stamina.
i am soooo tired.
argh!

so tired so tired!
i need a break from school!

stupid flash movie is killing me.
KILLING me. urgh.

 

my neck is aching from all that crazy crunches ytd. went for a lyrical jazz cls ytd with qiqi, liz and charmaine. love!!! ((: i miss that feeling of dancing. no stress, just dance. to turn, to turn till we come round right ((: and not to forget that cutesy litter of kittens we saw walking up to the place <3 lyrical!!!

 

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?

If I should die before I wake
Because you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world without no air, oh
I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Is there an other way I can make you understand?

(Hook)
But oh
Do you expect me, to live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

(Chorus)
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breath with no air
That's how I feel whenever ain't there
There's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be here without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air
No air, No air, No air, No air

I walked, I ran, I jumped,
I took right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down, for real
But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don't know how but I don't even care
(Hook)
So how do you expect me to live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

(Chorus)
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breath with no air
That's how I feel whenever ain't there
There's no air, no air
Got me here out in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be here without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air
No air, No air, No air, No air

(Chorus)
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breath with no air
That's how I feel whenever ain't there
There's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be here without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air
No air, No air, No air, No air

(Outro)
Got me here out in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be here without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air
No, air, No air, No air, No air
 

and now im back to doing work.

haha. what does our everyday life require? besides food and air and water and a shelter over our head and clothes and blarblar. i think its really true that we do something stupid everyday. ahahah. and i guess its good that we do sth stupid everything so we laugh over it. haha laughter is the best medicine. ((:

thursday night during ycamp meeting and the balloon sculpturing workshop (tom and his stop-making-that-noise antics were hilarious),  i think these meetings bring out the crazy side in us. erm how lyk ....

grown-ups and young adults play and start a fight with BALLOON swords,
yiwei proposing to yiliang (OOH, yiwei stepping on many boats eh, yiliang. and then later still send his love confessions to szehan HAHAH),
me and shiqi pinning the disjointed flowers on our hair,
huda having the arabian sword thing arnd val's neck (which erm got stuck for a while)
shaun doing the chinese opera thing with the 2 swords (and getting kicked by i-can't-rmb-who)
shaun fighting tom (who's talking to us and has his back facing shaun)
me as little red riding hood presenting basket of "balloons" to ahma yiwei and tailed by big bad wolf shiqi (with justin commentary)

i think we're all mad mad de. HAHHAAAA.. yiliang is damn funny... he made me remember the number 34, which is the exit number. haha. when i told him to turn off corporation road. anyway we had a erm interesting convo on the journey:

him: so what cca are you in now?
me: contemporary dance.
him: so previously you were in dance too?
me: yea, i was in chinese dance.
him: wad's the difference between the two then?
me: one is chinese, one is contemp?
him: right...
me: contemp is more modern. chinese is lyk chinese lor, chinese music..
him: and chinese costumes too?
me: chinese costumes as in the cheongsam yea..
him: so whats the difference between cheongsam and qipao??
me: -looks-
him: oh wait wait wait, they're different. qipao is the chinese instrument right?
me: -laughs-
him: give chance laaaaa.. laugh until lyk dat...
me: yeayea, you meant PIPA as the chinese instrument right?
him: HOI, thats so different, my chinese is not that F9 u noe...
me: yea G10 only ma....
me and him: -laughs-



if only i can rmb wad i was laughin at szehan at the bus stop... argh.

"the only easy day was yesterday, but it has died and we only have tomorrow"

how true.

many layers eh. academics, life, decision making... etc. rv was such a breeze. playplayplay nv study (besides shiqi,HAHA) den went on to ny, now that was grounding manz. lyk gloria says, ny really grounds you in the theory and concepts and what not. totally true, strong grounding manz. and then moving on to ip. haha yr 1 and yr 2 are lyk play play. every other day go cine eat pastamania! walk and shop and watch movie etc. and somehow, still can finish work one. and then thrown into the jc system "yr 3 and yr4" (but still called kids according to sharon phua). so many tutorials. all the notes and stuff to rmb and memorise. difficulty level increases and then it still increases. haha and uni now is ARHHH. and quoting gab "the worst is yet to be". primary school was so simple, just go school play and do a bit of work here and there. and then moving on, the pressure increases. esp in 1/10 and 2/10. and i start to realise doing well is not so simple afterall. then ip1 was lyk regressing back to pri sch. alot of play, but yet it forced us to bank on creativity and developed us in teamwork given the projects and the presentations that we have to do... jc life consists of the orange tables in the canteen and notes and the nj lib, the national lib, ymca and ydance, and ofcos dance dance dance and more dance.

i guess as i look back, i've grown and matured. changed my perspectives of life and changed as a person as well. and i can't say that im not affected by my declining grades or the decreasing lack of excellence in my academics. perhaps i slacked off, perhaps i got too complacent, perhaps i am still stuck in the primary sch dun-need-study-still-do-well mentality. dunno. wells. the difficulty level just keeps increasing and we all just gotta keep climbing and climbing, hanging on to that slim hope and belief that someday this seemingly endless journey will come to and end. thats lyk how when we were kids we all wanted time to fly and wish the time when we can become adults and go to work would come faster. but now that im nineteen turning twenty, had a slight taste of working life, and nearing this junction in life, i totally understand why pau always says she wanna go back to studying. somehow despite the challenges that studies pose, it just doesn't match up to that of the working world. the real corporate monster out there. i dun feel im ready at this point in time to reach that junction, but yet, time stops for no man. or woman, for that matter.

and as we move on in life, the decisions that we have to make, whether painful or not, become increasingly difficult. there are so many more considerations to take into account. lyk when we were young, our parents made all the important decisions for us. we just went along kinda thing. and lyk the decisions we had to make were lyk what to eat during recess, whether to buy that sticker from the bookshop. then in secondary school, we begin to question and feel the heat slightly.and the questions we dun fail to ask ourselves: am i gonna be the last in class? well, this is my take. considering my stance and circumstances for those who noe. and then later in jc, having to decide what uni to go to and what course to pursue. lifechanging decisions.

and then there are the everyday decisions that we haf to make. and the moral decisions that may plague us daily... lyk whether to give up ur seat. HAHA. somehow. i laugh at edwin who says he always meet the elderly when he's on the train to and from ntu. too bad for him. i guess the correct decision to that example is obvious, that you should "give up yourself to those who need it more than you do". but then, so many a time, we don't. and there are many people who don't. (and im falling aslp while typing this).and there are also many things that we haf to decide whether we wanna spend our time on or not. how to prioritise our commitments and appointments.

in spite of the easiness of yesterday, it is over. and will never be again. and even if we continue to look back and think about our past achievements or our past failures, for that matter, its over and there's nothing we can do about it. i guess there is no point in seeking to bask in the glory of yesterday, that we forget the responsibilities for today and the importance of tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel lyk strangling some people when in project meetings. Or when they don't keep to certain datelines. Or when they just refuse to focus and instead, veer way off course. Or when they totally switch off and give you that i-dun-freaking-give-a-damn look on their faces.

 

But then I realise I switch off too. And today I succumbed to playing reversi too.

 

Im not pissed at people not keeping to the datelines. I mean, I get peeved, but I dun stay and remain pissed. But that doesn't freaking mean you bloody send me at stupid unearthly hours of the night. Every single freaking marketing project, I'm the one doing the collating. And in the end, what? Throw me everything. Giving me everything is fine. Im cool with that. But not at freaking unearthly hours. Waking up at 5.30am to collate the final slides. And make sure each slide is properly animated. Like wad the sheeet. I need my sleep too.

 

And SOME people spend the entire weekend out enjoying life and that sort. And then come late for meeting. And then go on and on and on about how hot this girl is and what not, how that girl turned him on and made him totally super excited and wad not. Like freaking please, I know we're doing victoria's secret but you don't need to go freaking overboard. And on and on.

 

And somehow I dun have a good feeling about our case. Seriously. And there seems to be no way to smoke it through this time. SUCKS.

 

 

 

Marketing lecture sucked totally to the core today. His voice was super monotonous and he is super boring as a consequence. And salvation was like heaven when the lecture finally ended. Went for lunch at Quad. And then it was there I felt like some outcast. Pfft. Just because their group is targeting the female consumer group means I can't see their slides. Oh rights. Okays. Fine. And so I sat there, whipped out a piece of paper and busied myself with BH visitation programme details. And then sze han kept trying to soothe me and assure me that it's nothing much. Okay. It's their choice and I can't change anything so I just freaking don't bother.

 

And then he went on and on trying to worm it out of me what I was unhappy about. And why I was so pissed with them sending me the slides late. And I told him repeatedly and many times that I am no longer pissed and there's nothing. But he just doesn't accept it. Until in stats class, mel said sometimes there are things you don't have to know. Look, I know you told me you won't send me the slides by 1am. But datelines exist for a reason. Then why did we even bother to set it in the first place?

 

Stats class was horrible. Didn't freaking understand anything he said. So I just didn't bother. Went to check, reply and send emails. And amazingly, hans made me smile with this quote in his email.. And somehow his short note of thankyou for help touched me. And then the short email exchange with thomas made me smile and smile for at least 5mins.

 

The quote was "Do what you love. They'll love what you do."

 

Ain't it true. No matter what we do, so long as we put in our heart and sincerity, even the simplest singing of a song, the beneficiaries will love it. Why can't life be as simple as that? Why do we have to coop ourselves up in this darkness all the time? To blanch ourselves with work and work and work and become jaded? Somehow that quote, as simple as it is, touched a note in me. I had a reaction to it. But I can't put it into words. It just connected with something in me. Perhaps I'll know in time.

 

And then walking back to hall, I took my own sweet time. I needed a break from work I know. Which is exactly what I'm doing now. And then I took a long hot shower. Now I understand why jeremy takes 30min showers. It helped in relaxing my mind and giving me a fresh burst of energy and cleared my mind enough to plan my sequence of work tonight. But that certainly was not to be.

 

Came back from the shower to find 2 msges. 1 from edwin regarding dinner. And the other from boro. And her simple message made me just sit down and cry. right to the heart.

i just had to. was complaining to edwin. haha. that we agreed must send all the individual part slides to me by 1am. and ppl (besides jon) really wait until last minute or rather probably PAST 1am to send. its lyk alr 12.32 am and i only got me and jon's part.

call this punctuality? so ironic.

motivation to carry on:
- edwin is getting me my ROYCE CHOCOLATE!!! ((((: 
- dance workshop on sunday (assuming lz gets my email
- no more cca for the week

and now, i shall get back to studying!

BREATHERRRRRRRRRRRRR! hahahah.




i miss cambodiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!


shiqi SWEEEEEEETIEPIE (hahahhaha!) came over to visit me in ulu land of ntu ytd! to erm study and do work. and erm visit. and erm eat ice cream with the filipino maid. HAHA. proof i studied:



disgusting stats which i gave up upon.


okay disgusting ob was not much better.

compared studious jing to ........




monster shiqi! i mean scary smelly stinky shiqi (as she calls herself)



chatting on msn... tsk!


blarblarblarbarbalrblarblarblarblar.
taking a breather before goin back to work. sigh. sucks.
my stomach is acting up again. sigh. and that can only mean 2 things. either im stressed or my fren is visiting soon.
anywayssss!! i have lyk assessed presentations every week from last wk onwards. sigh. this is getting on my nerves. and this is excluding the ob report due on thurs and the duno-when-its-coming-and-when-its-due stats case study. and studying ten thousand chapters for exams. and then there's also ycamp meetings and stuff. whoots. go jinggggg!

MAKAN KAKIS! wheeeeeeennnn and where!

need to haf mugging kakis also. sigh. need to get back to mugging mode and get myself off the comp! urghhh. jing must study! lalalalalalala!

back to work. go toilet first ((:

something just struck me during ob sem on thurs. he was lyk talking abt charity and him giving back to society when he realised that he was considered to be part of the upper class in singapore. and how he lyk increased the percentage he donated to society. that its a shared assumption (considered to be an invisible) once an individual attains a certain level of wealth. he made it sound lyk only the rich and famous, the upper class are capable of giving back and contributing to society and charity.

i wouldn't say i was rly offended. but i wouldn't say i was totally happy abt wad he said too. cos i totally beg to differ. nobody ever said that only the rich and wealthy are capable of contributing. in fact, more often than not, it is the masses, the not-so-wealthy who actually bother to give back, to help others. so what if the rich have the ability to donate large sums of money? so what if they can afford to give away those sums of money? do they really understand the importance or rather the significance of their donation to the people who receive it?

i can relate examples of how little gestures by non-upper class folks which has melted the hearts of many. remember when the tsunami struck and the red cross started a fundraising drive. news reports of under-privileged individuals who give and donate. news reports of little kids bringing their piggy banks to the donation counter comes afloat. who ever dictated that only the upper are capable of donating? why is it that people think and expect only the upper to contribute? and i guess, to a certain extent, im peeved he made himself sound so great that 1) he's among the upper class and 2) he actually donates money to charity.

lyk HELLO. even beneficiaries themselves can become volunteers and give back? think of the y confidence kids. the kids who are beneficiaries themselves, who went thru a difficult childhood. and yet overcame that. who stepped up as volunteers and helped others.

currently going thru the downs in life. its a combination of people and an experience that im missing i suppose. the absence of which is hurting my soul. i just feel very jaded abt school work.. and i need sth that rejuvenates me, and gives me the motivation to go on. and one thing that definitely rejuvenates me is ocip. ocip is addictive man. so im missing cambodia and the cambodian peeps i came into contact with.. every single moment i was there. minus the part of my injured eye.i need a break from schoolwork. that was why i wanted to go to the beach. see something that is so vast, that i rmb im only a small part of this universe and give me a breather.. give me the space to appreciate and remind myself of the marvel of nature.to remind myself that while im not doing as well i hope to, there is more to life than just grades. yes its impt, but its not the end of the  world. i guess thats one of the reasons why i do comm service. it puts me in touch with the humane side of me. and reminds me of what i can do for people, makes me feel useful. and ultimately i feel accomplished. and i learn alot abt humanity. it shows me another aspect of mankind. and how small gestures can impact and light up people's lives. and i guess this is wad i need now. to noe and feel that im needed and wanted and loved.

i am fine. i just need to rmb the motivations in life so dun nag.
((:

3 consecutive days of proj meetings is not funny man. its totally draining. and somehow proj meetings in university is so different from previously. somehow there feels to be this lack of chemistry between the members of the group. then kinda makes things difficult to proceed since we're all lyk on different wavelengths or sth? the flow of ideas and thoughts dun seem to come as easily.

monday: had marketing meeting. supposed to meet at 10, but the whole group only assembled at lyk 10.40am. hahaha. cos people were coming late (except wq), so went szehan's room to slack off a bit while he showered i tried to slp. den dilly dally reached FAL at 10.30am. haha fought and went in rounds and circles until lunch time, jonathan drove us out for lunch. at KFC. pfft. wq didn't go so i had lunch with 3 guys. and i thot usually is the guys sit in front but no i ended up sitting in front. ohwells. then it was back to marketing and argueing and going round in circles all over again. until lyk 4plus. gosh.

tuesday: ob meeting at kap and the stupid socket is boxed up so my plug can't go in cos the wire thing too stiff. thank goodness i brought my laptop battery and hence could do abit of my stupid assg. OB meeting was ohkays. started slow and rubbishy but went well. had chicken rice @ boon tong kee! ((: and then long long long ride home, but at least had company for half of the journey. bought mum's bday present and cake before my dad picked me up ((: and korean bbq for dinner!!

wednesday: snoozed for 3hrs before i finally managed to find the power in myself to get out of bed and do some work. BAHHH. had spaghetti for lunch. clams in white wine sauce, with scallop and mushrooms and minced meat ((: went fal for marketing meeting again. that place is seriously stifling manz! and im amazed i managed to survive thru the entire meeting without a break. the others went for 10min break except me and jonathan. to this, szehan says im a "powerful kiddy baby". bahh. had dinner with him after that at jp. so super hungry. and nice nice xiao long bao which wasn't burst! ((: love!

 

sometimes i haf no idea what is going on.
i won't say its hot/cold on/off thing.
but its along those lines.
and is it just me or is it for real that there seems to be less talk between them two now?
ohwells...





Hope is but the dream of those who wake.  ~Matthew Prior

its been awhile since i last blogged.
and throughout this period of time, so many things have happened.
i haf gained back a brother, and perhaps lost a friend permanently.
i haf said no to more than 1 person.
i haf lost another 2 friends because i mishandled stuff.
i haf seen the disparity between cambodia and singapore.
i haf felt the yearning for the emotions and experiences i had in cambodia.
i haf experienced what its lyk to haf a 1mm laceration in the iris.
and many many many many more.

a friendship that can end never really began   -Unknown.
just how true is this? are friendships really never-ending? sometimes i feel lyk i haf lost a certain strong tenacity or belief in friendships as i used to hold. but i just can't place why or if its really the case. i dun lyk the way things are between us now, but yet should i bother to do anything about it? is there anything i can do about it in the first place? will you ever place that trust in me again? then again, you kept certain things to yourself. which i believe, on hindsight, all of us do keep secret and personal certain things about ourselves, about our lives. can we really be totally absolutely truthful to somebody else or to not withhold any secrets at all from another person? be it a very close friend or a loved one. 



isp cambodia opened my eyes to a whole new experience.
and taught me so many things.
and i return to singapore a different person.
i miss that place, the kids/friends/students.
the simplicity,, the carefreeness, the bubbling love.

same same but different.
see you when you see me.
eat you when you eat me.
chum reap su.
i dun understand but i understood.



many a time people ask why i choose to involve myself in volunteer work.
and many a time, i can't really think of an answer that truly fully expresses what i really feel.
perhaps i work with the id because my aunt is an id?
perhaps i do voluntary work because i dun lyk the cruel reality of the world we're in?
perhaps i do voluntary work because these people deserve my help?
perhaps i do voluntary work because they show me a different side of life?
perhaps i do voluntary work because they teach me things and lifelong lessons that i can never pick up anywhere else?
perhaps i do voluntary work because it rejuvenates me, it makes me complete and feel whole again?
perhaps i do voluntary work because these people love and accept me for who i am?



"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

as shared by zx who koped it off her bro's friend's blog.




said no to more than 1 person.
the statistics made davis describe it as presentations.
haha. now, thats new.
assessed presentations coming up?
no idea, but doubt it.
i feel lyk a ball (in terms of shape as well) being thrown from one end of the court to the other.
the number of players in this ball game has lessened.
you received me at your end of the court, took care of me, and made me comfortable with that environment
and now you're repeatedly pushing me over to the other end of the court.
just what do you think you're doing?
just what are you thinking?
the other end of the court stands a player who's aggressive.

tell me why this feels lyk HE telling me to consider HN when we first found out about each other?

I AM PISSED OFF AT SOME PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.

I RATHER BE PISSED OFF AT THEM THAN TO FEEL HURT.
AND IT DOESN'T SEEM LYK THEY CARE.

EITHER THEY DUN REALISE IT,
WHICH I GUESS IS HIGHLY PROBABLE SINCE TALKING TERMS ARE QUESTIONABLE.
OR THEY ARE JUST NOT BOTHERING.

CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE SO MUCH SO FAST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FOR NOW. FOR THE FUTURE.
AND WDV, YOU PROBABLY DUN EVEN KNOW IM FEELING WHAT IM FEELING.





AND I ALMOST FREAKING CRIED IN THE OFFICE TODAY.
COS OF THIS.

NO MORE.

  

MS TOH SHIQI'S BIG DAY AND NIGHTS (: (:




a picture says a thousand words.
so what does this one say?
it says:

WE LOVE YOU SHIQIIIIQIIIIII!!

(so much so to do you that amazing poster, get you that pretty bouquet and scam you with the fake NICE bread!)